Sign me up!

What a historic year this has turned out to be. First, Obama goes into the White House then I join a health club...

This is a big deal. For 40+ years, I managed to stay on the skinny side, pretty much oblivious to intake (superette cuisine a specialty - you know, honey buns, Hot Stuf pizza, day-old eggroll, etc.) and outgo (me exercise? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!). Somehow, my time since then has been a slow march to full grown man status. Like 185 to 250 in the 21st century. Maybe it's nature's cruel shuffling of a perfectly good metabolic system or my getting off the ciggies, but it's time to fight back.

Paid my money last week and became a full fledged member of the Wellness Center at OCH. Geezer infested as the place may seem, this move was much less intimidating than, say, falling up in Snap Fitness (where studly son-in-law Will holds court) or the Sanderson Center (please - I shrivel at the thought of MSU coeds shrieking and running from the building).

First up - the intervention known as the assessment...

Somebody named Wesley was to establish my relative fitness level, or something like that. I'm sure this is done to keep the mortality rates as low as possible for potential workout victims. Anyway, Wesley was teaching a class, so my assessment was assigned to a 20-something girl whose name I missed.

My blood pressure was 120/80 (which surprised my assessor for some strange reason), my body fat was pinched up and recorded, and my heart rate was deemed acceptable for some stationary biking. For 10 minutes. With increasing resistance. Plus, the little bike seat turned into some sort of probe as I kept pedalling...

Next came crunches...jeez. Somehow that was my strong suit - 65 in 60 seconds - again surprising ole what's-her-name. I was truly thankful we were next to a hospital...

Then I got to sit on the floor, straighten my legs against a box and try to push a little device forward between my toes. Challenging to say the least...

Anonymous assessor: C'mon - you can do better than that!

Me: Have you noticed that I have an impediment? My stomach is in the way.

AA: Lots of fatter people can do better than that.

Me: (Did she really just say that?). Urrrgh...

AA: One more time. Give it all you got.

Me: Did you spend any time in the military?

AA: GO!!

Me: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

AA: That's better.

Me: I think I ripped my spleen...

AA: No...you didn't. You can get up now.

At this point, me and my spleen were quite ready to call it a day. Fortunately, AA was as well. I got chastised for not bringing the completed paperwork I had been given at the sign up, but she seemed content with my promises to follow through.

Next week I get orientation. This should be interesting...